How do you love someone the right way?

"The only thing I don't know about you is what it feels like to hold you in my arms when you fly to pieces."

We used to enjoy hurting each other. Not in the physical sense, of course, because I couldn't seriously injure a grown man even if I tried and Gregory has never been violent with women (even if I have seen him clenching and unclenching his fists multiple times during our more heated arguments). But intimately... well, that's different.

Just knowing that we held the power to invoke such an emotional reaction from the other was simply... irresistible to us. I would like to think it was because we were married so young and without really knowing each other before and not because deep inside we truly are cruel people. But the reality is that I don't really know anymore. I also thought that I used to hate my husband after he separated from my children and abandoned me but then realized that it had never been hatred. Just as we had never really been in love, because how could you truly love a person that you never truly got to know?

And now, in our current situation, I am even more confused about his feelings. My husband is not a man of many words and I think he's always preferred to let his actions speak for himself so that people around him could take his actions and come to their own conclusion about him, yet I can't say he's not a passionate man, especially when it comes to things who truly define him. Maybe that's one of the reasons why we never could get along when we first got married. We were too young, too inexperienced and too unwilling to sacrifice little bits of us for the other.

The thing I'm certain of though is that somehow, along the way, while caring for him, I've allowed myself to fall in love with my husband. The fact that I have no idea if the same can be said for him has been eating me inside ever since my talk with Agnes.

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"The King has called for me. He is considering funding an expedition to the recently uncovered lands far into the Dark Sea and he would like my advice in establishing a crew."

My husband's voice is calm and if it weren't for the sudden change in his heartbeat you could assume we were discussing the weather, not his inevitable departure and possibly the end of our affair. His tan skin is still hot and there's a thin layer of sweat glistening on it and discreetly accentuating the old scars on his abdomen. I find myself almost unconsciously tracing them and wondering about the story behind each one. We've been married for 20 years and our bodies have changed so much. There are subtle wrinkles at the corners of my eyes and my skin is far from the unblemished white it used to be back when I was only 15 and the two of us married. I've recently turned 35 and was surprised to discover that my husband remembered my birthday and gifted me with a beautiful and very gentle mare, the two of us could spend the sunny fall afternoons riding. He will turn 45 in a couple of months but from the way things currently look, I fear that we won't be together.

I would like to be young again to plead and try to persuade him to remain with me a bit longer, maybe spend Christmas together, but I fear the way he would react to it. And when one is called for by the King, one can do nothing but obey and ride to meet the court as soon as possible.

"I've already informed your maid to pack your trunks. If we leave tomorrow morning and ride all day, we should arrive by nightfall. You will probably need new dresses and maybe jewelry, but those are women's affairs and besides, the Duchess of Leinster will be there and maybe she'll help you with that."

He delivers the second set of news in the same nonchalant manner he would inform me of next day's supper.

"Then I was thinking we could excuse ourselves from the Court and spend Christmas at Riverswood Estate. Our Rosaline is expecting her first baby and I think she would feel reassured to have her mother with her for the birth."

I shriek in excitement like a young girl, but Gregory doesn't mention it. He actually manages to look pleased with my reaction. We spend the rest of the day together, ignoring the servants knocking at our bedroom's door, so the next morning our trunks are only half filled and my maid is anxiously waiting to braid my hair. The road to the Royal Palace has never seemed so charming under the autumn sun.