The obedient wife

“The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure she never knows she’s in prison.”

We arrive at the Royal residence later than expected so there is only a stable boy who hurriedly takes our horses as we dismount. We rode ahead of the rest of our belongings and servants, but Gregory does the work of a housemaid quite skilfully and helps untie my laces and unplaits my hair. I try not to linger on the questions that arise in my head (about how someone must have shown him how to master all those womenly tasks) and let myself simply enjoy how warm his callused hands are as they linger a bit longer on my body, as if by chance.

I see the King and the royal household for the first time the next morning, at Mass. Even if he can't be older than 65, the King looks aged far beyond his years. Aged, but still in power and far from how frail the Crown Prince appears. While the King still carries himself straight (even if he occasionally has to reach for the support of my husband), the Crown Prince has to be excused from the service after less than an hour, his face drenched in cold sweats and trying to contain his persistent coughs.

His young wife (my husband tells me she is only 15 and they've already been married for 3 years) is at his side in a moment and carefully tries to lead him to his rooms. She too looks frail and weary and I can see that she is with child. I'm not yet familiar with the state of affairs at the Court, but I will later find out that the young Crown Princess already gave birth to a stillborn son only 5 months into their marriage, she then managed to birth a healthy daughter followed by a very frail one and so now the King and his lords are anxious to see if she will finally give the Kingdom the heir that everyone is expecting. The poor creature looks almost afraid as everyone's glance follows her anywhere she goes. 

I can't help but think of my daughter, Rosalie who I've been told is pregnant with a wedding night baby. She and the future Queen will probably give birth around the same time and if Gregory will follow his plan, I will be there to assist her. I haven't seen my older children since before the birth of my Charlotte and I fear that they were too young when we parted to remember me.

In the meantime, it looks like Gregory has managed to arrange marriages for 2 of them. Rosalie has already been married to a young Baron. His wealth isn't very impressive, but his reputation is untarnished and the two of them aren't very far in age (my Rosalie recently turned 18, while her husband is only 25). Our son, Francis is to marry a young heiress, the daughter of a Duke. I don't know a lot about the young girl, only that she is related to our future Queen and that I will probably meet her soon.

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"Alleken, there is something I need you to promise me." My husband's tone is grave and I can't help the slight shiver that I feel along my backbone despite the warm water that the maids have carried for my bath. He's just returned from a meeting with the King and the Council and judging by the slight frown he's trying to hide from me, I can tell that it didn't go too well. Our time at the Court almost faded away and there are only a few more weeks until Christmas. Soon we will have to start preparing for our departure and the thought that I will finally see my daughter again makes me a bit more indulgent than usual.
"If I promise to take into account your council, will you tell me what this is about?"
"Promise me that whatever happens, whatever sudden charitable calling you might feel, we are leaving the Court and staying at Riverswood. Promise me you are not going to try to get involved with the Crown Princess's confinement. I have a bad feeling about it and I don't want your name associated with any of it. You're too new to the Court and your reputation is too fragile."
By voicing his worry, my husband is only expressing everyone's concerns, yet I can see why he does it in the privacy of our bedchamber and away from prying eyes. To speak such a thing is to commit treason because, despite the Crown Princess' delicate health, the entire court is hoping for an heir to the Crown. The Crown Prince's health is getting worse before own own eyes and we are not sure if he will live long enough to inherit the Kingdom from his father. Having the future Queen give birth to a healthy heir is crucial for the royal family.
So I can understand where my husband's concern is coming from. In the past few months, I have grown closer to the young unfortunate Crown Princess. She's got dozens of maids and ladies in waiting, yet I can see that she feels isolated. She wasn't raised in the middle of the Royal Court, like my sister-in-law, Agnes and she was so young when she was married to the Prince that she didn't fully realize what responsibilities her new rank would impose. She is embarrassed by all the attention and completely overwhelmed by the obligation to birth an heir as soon as possible. While someone like Agnes thrives by being surrounded by flattering courtiers and intrigue, little Crown Princess Mathilde probably feels smothered in the middle of all the attention. I can't help but feel sorry and regard her like my little Charlotte, who is only 5 years younger.
"Please, Alleken, just once do as I say and I promise not to ask anything else of you. I simply have to know you're safe and away from this possible scandal. Whatever happens to the Crown Princess or the baby she's carrying, I need to know you won't be held responsible."
His concern is touching and this time I decide to do as he says. I too have a bad feeling about this baby.
"We'll leave for Riverswood the day after tomorrow", I concede. I am impatient to see my daughter and make sure she is alright.
His touch is familiar yet so new as his fingers lazily trail along my calf and there's comfort and care and maybe a little bit of lust too in the way he's caressing my skin.

How do you love someone the right way?

"The only thing I don't know about you is what it feels like to hold you in my arms when you fly to pieces."

We used to enjoy hurting each other. Not in the physical sense, of course, because I couldn't seriously injure a grown man even if I tried and Gregory has never been violent with women (even if I have seen him clenching and unclenching his fists multiple times during our more heated arguments). But intimately... well, that's different.

Just knowing that we held the power to invoke such an emotional reaction from the other was simply... irresistible to us. I would like to think it was because we were married so young and without really knowing each other before and not because deep inside we truly are cruel people. But the reality is that I don't really know anymore. I also thought that I used to hate my husband after he separated from my children and abandoned me but then realized that it had never been hatred. Just as we had never really been in love, because how could you truly love a person that you never truly got to know?

And now, in our current situation, I am even more confused about his feelings. My husband is not a man of many words and I think he's always preferred to let his actions speak for himself so that people around him could take his actions and come to their own conclusion about him, yet I can't say he's not a passionate man, especially when it comes to things who truly define him. Maybe that's one of the reasons why we never could get along when we first got married. We were too young, too inexperienced and too unwilling to sacrifice little bits of us for the other.

The thing I'm certain of though is that somehow, along the way, while caring for him, I've allowed myself to fall in love with my husband. The fact that I have no idea if the same can be said for him has been eating me inside ever since my talk with Agnes.

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"The King has called for me. He is considering funding an expedition to the recently uncovered lands far into the Dark Sea and he would like my advice in establishing a crew."

My husband's voice is calm and if it weren't for the sudden change in his heartbeat you could assume we were discussing the weather, not his inevitable departure and possibly the end of our affair. His tan skin is still hot and there's a thin layer of sweat glistening on it and discreetly accentuating the old scars on his abdomen. I find myself almost unconsciously tracing them and wondering about the story behind each one. We've been married for 20 years and our bodies have changed so much. There are subtle wrinkles at the corners of my eyes and my skin is far from the unblemished white it used to be back when I was only 15 and the two of us married. I've recently turned 35 and was surprised to discover that my husband remembered my birthday and gifted me with a beautiful and very gentle mare, the two of us could spend the sunny fall afternoons riding. He will turn 45 in a couple of months but from the way things currently look, I fear that we won't be together.

I would like to be young again to plead and try to persuade him to remain with me a bit longer, maybe spend Christmas together, but I fear the way he would react to it. And when one is called for by the King, one can do nothing but obey and ride to meet the court as soon as possible.

"I've already informed your maid to pack your trunks. If we leave tomorrow morning and ride all day, we should arrive by nightfall. You will probably need new dresses and maybe jewelry, but those are women's affairs and besides, the Duchess of Leinster will be there and maybe she'll help you with that."

He delivers the second set of news in the same nonchalant manner he would inform me of next day's supper.

"Then I was thinking we could excuse ourselves from the Court and spend Christmas at Riverswood Estate. Our Rosaline is expecting her first baby and I think she would feel reassured to have her mother with her for the birth."

I shriek in excitement like a young girl, but Gregory doesn't mention it. He actually manages to look pleased with my reaction. We spend the rest of the day together, ignoring the servants knocking at our bedroom's door, so the next morning our trunks are only half filled and my maid is anxiously waiting to braid my hair. The road to the Royal Palace has never seemed so charming under the autumn sun.

A Scandalous Affair

"You fight each other, who fights them?"

"Fornicating with your own husband is so old-fashioned... Alleken, seriously, I was expecting so much more from you!"

Coming from someone who loves her husband so much that she is preparing to give birth to their seventh child while trying to decide on the perfect necklace to wear to the Christmas dinner(confinement has never been something my sister-in-law was going to go along with willingly), I find it a little hard to believe that Agnes isn't making fun of me.

"You do realize that you're married to my brother, right? And unless you have some kind of revealing news about this little one here..." As if anyone could have any kind of doubts regarding my brother's children, with them all taking after one parent or another like little mirror images. To put it in Agnes' words, they are boringly in love and hopelessly faithful to each other. But my sister-in-law is a Duchess and a King's daughter, so she can afford to banter like that. Me on the other side, already with a child born on the wrong side of the blanket... well, that's a story for another time. Though things do seem to be changing. Not necessarily in good, but there is a change and I'm no longer feeling as smothered by the consequences of my misconduct.

It still feels good to be able to tease each other like that. For so many years I've been so isolated, without even realizing it. First as a young student too absorbed by childish dreams, then as a young wife overwhelmed by sudden responsibilities and in the end as a shamed woman, trying to deal with everyone's judgment. Agnes might still be a bit too ambitious for her own good and maybe sometimes cruel in her way of seeing the world (she is still her father's daughter and she has spent most of her childhood and a good part of her youth following her father's ambitions on the battlefield, trying to discreetly fill her brother's position), but she welcomed me when I was nothing but a disgrace upon her household and she trusted me enough to become my friend.

"Well, you do know that your marriage was never annulled, right? There was not enough ground for an annulment to be granted. You two were both obviously alive and well and your marriage was obviously consummated, with 4 living children to attests to that." My friends' tireless persistence never ceases to amaze me. But I am curious enough to see where she is going with this, so I withhold my comments and let her continue. "You are still his wife and mother of his children and they never managed to persuade you to take the veil so legally you are the lady of his household. Now, pray tell me, dear Alleken... why do you two insist on this whole charade? Don't get the wrong impression, I'm all for a little bit of foolery, but still. Pretending to live in sin with your own husband doesn't really suit you two. Especially when none of you has anything to benefit from it. You especially. Unless... Alleken, is he forcing himself on you? Or is he blackmailing you in any way?"

I find my friend's concern for me endearing, really. In the end, Agnes does have a kind heart. Even if she hides it behind snarky comments and sarcastic remarks most of the times.

"Oh, please, you know I would never allow something like that. And I don't think Gregory would be the man to try it.  He didn't to it 10 years ago, when he really had every legal right to, so I don't see why you would think of such a thing! He's been very thoughtful and gentle ever since he recovered his health."

And I'm foolish enough to walk right into her trap. Really, I should have expected that from her. She knows me too well.

"Dear Lord, Alleken! You're in love with your husband!"

I can see clearly she's trying to feign indignation by the subtle curve of her lips.